The Right to Grieve

One of our foster kids often had violent tantrums. Smashed windows and thrown furniture were common throughout the years he lived with us. But he was a kind-hearted child at heart and, even when having tantrums, we knew he'd be careful never to hurt anyone else.

When he reached puberty that changed and the day he physically attacked me we knew we wouldn't be able to keep him because he would endanger the other kids. We gave him up and he was institutionalized.

Although we hadn't been able to adopt him because of legal technicalities, we had considered him our son and loved him as our own. And when we lost him, I was stricken with grief.

One relative, who had been a teacher and knew it's possible to love kids you didn't gave birth to, told me she was sorry. Someone else who had been in danger of loosing her kids in a custody battle also expressed sympathy. But that was all the support we got. My mother told me she was glad our son was gone because caring for him had been so hard on me, and other people had similar reactions, if they noticed at all.

A few weeks later the son of one of my friends was killed in a car accident and the entire community offered her sympathy and support. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I felt jealous. Why couldn't those people understand that loosing a child for any reason can be just as painful as loosing one to death?

Since then whenever I hear of people who lose their children in custody battles, have to give them up for adoption, or send them away for institutional care they have my greatest sympathy. Loosing a child for any reason is one of the most painful things a parent can experience.

Institutions

Forty years ago and more, most people with physical or mental disabilities were sent to live in institutions of various kinds. Often their families had no further contact with them.

As a kid I spent a few weeks in a "convalescent home" because of my asthma and my mother drove several hours to visit me every week. But most of the other kids rarely, if ever saw their families. Some had been left there as infants and never saw their parents again.

As a young adult I worked at the California School for the Deaf and, while some kids went home every weekend, others only did so a few times a year when the school was closed for vacations. In some cases that was because the parents lived great distances from the school, but others who were closer didn't know Sign Language and couldn't communicate with their own children. Now I understand the school sends all students home every weekend and those who live far away stay with friends.

I knew some Deaf adults who grew up in a state hospital for "mentally retarded" when their intelligence was normal. They had even developed their own sign language in order to communicate with each other. Today they would never have been sent to an institution like that. And even the patients who are correctly placed in developmental centers usually have opportunities to go out into nearby communities if they can handle doing so.

Today people with special needs are likely to be seen anywhere and that's helping to overcome some of the stigma attached to disabilities. Things have certainly improved.