Reader's Digest

I don't subscribe to the Reader's Digest anymore because they've got less than half the content they used to carry, but this week I picked up the June/July copy at the grocery store. It contains an article about parenting a child with special needs that might be of interest to anyone doing that.

The author's daughter has Autism so she talks a lot about that spectrum, but the article includes plenty of information about caring for people with other special needs and it's written in a friendly style.

Anyone caring for or about someone with special needs might want to read the article, My Daughter, Myself, by Sallie Tisdale.

Parenting Problems

It isn't easy to care for a child with special needs, especially if the child requires lots of extra time and attention. That can be a stress on the whole family. Other siblings may get far less of their parents' time and attention and caring for the child may put a strain on the family budget.

I've known many families with special kids where the added stress was at least a partial cause of the parents getting divorced.

But another factor may cause marital stress unnecessarily. In our culture many people consider children to be status symbols. Having kids who make the team, star in the class play, get good grades in school, and can be expected to get good jobs as adults makes the parents feel valuable and having kids who may never be able to achieve any of those things makes them feel like failures.

That's a big flaw in our society because children don't exist to be shown off.

One of my college professors gave us this definition of love: "When the happiness and well-being of another is essential to one's own happiness and well-being a state of love exists."

If parents love their children and do the best they can to meet their needs they are successful parents.

A Special Kind of Love

I saw something online about a book that sounded helpful, contacted the author, and she sent me a free copy to review. A Special Kind of Love by Susan Titus Osborn and Janet Lynn Mitchell is by far the most helpful book for parents of kids with special needs that I've ever seen.

Besides the two authors, many others have contributed their own stories, which are combined with practical hints. Both good and bad aspects of raising kids with a wide variety of special needs are addressed. Some of the less obvious topics covered are dealing with the rude comments of other people, choosing and dealing with doctors and schools, managing time when a child needs so much of it, and what to do when the kids grow up.

Probably the most helpful thing about the book is the comfort of realizing you're not alone and that other parents have been through the same things. This is definitely a Christian book with a strong spiritual aspect, but would be helpful to people of all religions or none at all.

Special Kids Carers

I've just started a Facebook group for people, such as parents, teachers, etc., who care for and about children with special needs. The name of the group is Special Kid Carers. I don't know if many people will want to join and participate, but I couldn't find any similar Facebook groups so I hope it will meet a need. Please apply to join if you're interested.

NU-Step

Yesterday I attended an end-of-the-school-year karaoke performance by Nu-Step, a special education program for teens. It was fun! The kids did a great job and I especially enjoyed laughing at the funny parts. Even the teacher and aides were hilarious.

But what impressed me most was the sense of camaraderie between the adults.

Most of the people in the audience were family members of the students or staff. Many of them already knew each other and they all shared knowledge of what it's like to deal with special needs every day. It wasn't just an audience, it was a community.

Life is often not easy for people who must deal with special needs, whether their own or a family members. But the blessing of instantly connecting emotionally with others who have to cope with similar things is something "normal" people don't often get to experience.

ADHD, Autism and Organophosphates

According to recent news stories, a connection has been found between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Organophosphates. The same chemicals have been implicated in studies with autistic kids. Those chemicals are used in some insecticides and often found in fruits and vegetables, especially celery, strawberries, and blueberries.

Years ago we had two hyperactive foster kids, one of whom was also autistic, and the Feingold Diet helped a lot to improve their behavior. At the time some people thought the connection was purely psychosomatic, but there were times when the boys reacted to things none of us knew they'd gotten. For example, once a cereal manufacturer changed an ingredient but continued using the old packages they had in stock so the change wasn't on the label.

I'm wondering if there could be some sort of connection between the salicylates that cause reactions in kids with ADHD and the organophosphates in the new study. Obviously they aren't the same chemical, but could one influence how people react to the other? Or could they both be found in some of the same foods? The new discoveries may open the door to new research that will result in helpful treatments.

In the meantime, I hope anyone with children who have those conditions will be careful to feed them only organic produce. And doing that with all young children might prevent the development of those conditions.

Parenting Children with Special Needs

Fifty years ago people with special needs were rarely seen in public. Before the ADA people who used wheelchairs or had other mobility problems were often unable to go anywhere. Kids with learning disabilities were considered stupid and autism, if recognized, was considered the result of poor parenting. Unless they came from a deaf family children who couldn't hear were forbidden to use sign language, which meant they had almost no exposure to any language until their brains were past the age programmed to learn it. And children who had any kind of special needs were often shut away in institutions where their families had little or nothing to do with them.

Thankfully, most of those things have improved.

However having a child with a disability is still very stressful for parents.

Even though the people may know intellectually that they didn't do anything to cause the child's problems they're likely to feel guilty, and those who may have inadvertently done something that resulted in the disability struggle with terrible guilt.

The child probably takes a lot of time and attention away from other kids, and the extra care and expenses required because of their conditions can be difficult for the whole family.

It's not surprising that a lot of couples who have children with special needs get divorced, but a lot of them manage to stay together and have healthy family lives in spite of the problems.

What is their secret?

While there are no guarantees, the successful parents usually get help.

Sometimes school districts can offer advice and many of them will test children for learning disabilities and provide early intervention for three and four year olds.

Counseling can help parents forgive themselves and learn ways to deal with their children. Some may not have the time or money for counseling, but they manage to find support groups of other people who have similar situations. There are online groups dealing with almost any kind of special need and, if well moderated, those can provide advice, encouragement, and social contact with people who understand.

Some churches have special needs ministries and there are many organizations with local chapters. If parents can attend worship services or meetings while their kids are cared for by people who know how to do that safely, the respite means a lot. Camps and recreation programs for the kids can also offer respite care.

The parents' job isn't easy, but at least in our time many kinds of help are available.

Special Education Teachers

On my other blog, http://onwordsblog.blogspot.com I posted a message about teachers and that made me think about how much Special Education teachers deserve our appreciation. Although they usually have smaller classes, the amount of time they must spend filling out IEP forms and meeting with parents is overwhelming. And, because the needs of their students are all different, preparing lesson plans takes even more time than other teachers must spend.

Special Ed teachers may have the same students for several years. Depending on the needs of the students, they may not see a lot of progress, and can become discouraged about their jobs.

Of course some students with special needs are "mainstreamed." Some are integrated in regular classes, and the teachers working with them function a lot like teacher's aides with the other kids in the same classes. Others only go to the Special Ed teacher for part of the school day.

Often the parents of kids with special needs seem to expect their teachers to work miracles and teach their children to function at the same level as other kids the same age. Others are in denial that their children have special needs at all. Either way, parents can sometimes give the teachers a hard time.

Special Ed teachers have important, but difficult jobs. If you know any, please let them know you appreciate what they do.

Positive Thinking

I've probably mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating. As someone who has dealt with many special needs of students, friends, foster kids, and myself, I've become aware of two advantages to having chronic illnesses or disabilities.

First, the limitations those conditions cause tend to make us more aware of and grateful for the things we can do and experience.

But, in my opinion, the greatest advantage is the mutual understanding with other people who have limitations even if they aren't the same as our own. Sharing the experience of realizing we're different in some ways from other people and there may be some things we can't do, but that we're still complete human beings who can accomplish a lot helps us connect at a deep level. Of course if our special needs are similar the connection is even stronger.

People who care for others with special needs can also connect at a deep level.

It's easy for us all to become friends.

Lovelessness

As Valentine's Day approaches and everyone is talking about love I thought of a boy I once knew who couldn't love anyone. Jake (not his real name) couldn't comprehend the difference between right and wrong or truth and falsehood although he tried hard to understand, and his parents thought that was one more learning disability. Doctors told them his violent tantrums were a result of ADHD and it wasn't until he was an adult that he was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. People with that condition used to be called psychopaths.

Jake did prefer some people to others, depending on how much they pleased him. He was good at finding ways to control people psychologically, and enjoyed doing so. As an adult he became dangerously violent and he ended up in jail.

His parents felt like failures but it wasn't their fault. His personality disorder was the result of prenatal neurological damage they couldn't have prevented, and was no more something to feel guilty about than any other disability. His parents were loving people and did the best they could.

Personally, I feel sorry for anyone who is unable to love other human beings. While people with APD don't know what they're missing, that might be the worst disability of all.